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Old 11-10-2011, 02:47 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by TheOl 55 View Post
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper,
and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Eth el sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up
to him. Harold nodded,and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!!"

That's a good one hahahaha
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Old 11-11-2011, 05:55 PM   #32
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.



She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.



However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,

in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.



Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.



Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,



"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection

and he will be able to withdraw."



"Do you think that will work?" she asked.



"It just worked for me," he replied.
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Old 11-11-2011, 06:03 PM   #33
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OK, couldn't resist


Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?
" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
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Old 11-12-2011, 09:19 AM   #34
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Now THAT was FUNNY!!!
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Old 11-12-2011, 09:21 AM   #35
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Here is a very good test of your ethics: This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one-way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all about you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot impressive photos, photos that capture the emotion and tragedy of the events. Houses and people are floating around you, disappearing into the water! Nature is showing all her destroying power, ripping everything asunder.
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You know who it is - it's Hillary Clinton! At the moment you recognize who she is, you also notice that the raging waters are about to take her away, forever.
You realize you have two options. You can save her or you can take the best photo of your life. You can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the actual moment of death of one of the world's most powerful women.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white? :-)
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:51 AM   #36
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hahaha. Why, color of course
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Old 11-12-2011, 01:08 PM   #37
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Black & White
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:14 PM   #38
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Black & White
Black and white would Hillary look older.. I think She would prefer color
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:43 PM   #39
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Black & White does not hide evil, color does
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:56 PM   #40
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Black & White does not hide evil, color does
I can accept that
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Old 11-14-2011, 08:04 AM   #41
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That was GOOD Jeff.............
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Old 11-14-2011, 08:07 AM   #42
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I apoligize for the Formatting.....

How to Sing the Blues
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher -and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
1. highway
2. jailhouse
3. empty bed
4. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
5. Ashrams
6. gallery openings
7. Ivy League institutions
8. golf courses
11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
1. you’re older than dirt
2. you’re blind
3. you shot a man in Memphis
4. you can’t be satisfied
No if:
5. you have all your teeth
6. you were once blind but now can see
7. the man in Memphis lived.
8. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of colour. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
1. wine
2. whiskey or bourbon
3. muddy water
4. black coffee
The following are not Blues beverages:
5. mixed drinks
6. kosher wine
7. Snapple
8. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
1. Sadie
2. Big Mama
3. Bessie
4. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
1. Joe
2. Willy
3. Little Willy
4. Big Willy
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
1. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
2. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
3. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don’t care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don’t care.
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Old 11-14-2011, 11:32 AM   #43
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Funny stuff More Please
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Old 11-14-2011, 02:03 PM   #44
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hehehhehehehehhehe
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Old 11-14-2011, 03:55 PM   #45
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Yes more ...... Faster faster!!
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