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Old 10-30-2011, 03:55 PM   #1
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Talking OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD .... Could be NWS

We need to laugh at times, so post your stupid stuff here
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Old 10-30-2011, 04:01 PM   #2
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Okay, Ill go first

The Priest, Minister and Rabi were talking about what to do with their tithings

The Priest said I'm going to draw a circle on the goround and throw the tithings into the air and what lands outside the circle will be for the Church and what lands inside the circle will be for God!

The Minister said thats a good idea, but when I throw my tithings into the air, what falls inside the circle will be for the Church and what lands outside the circle will be for God!

The Rabi said, you two are something else, I will just throw all my tithings into the air and what God wants he will keep and the rest is all Mine!

Shaloam .........
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Old 10-30-2011, 04:02 PM   #3
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Now a real dirty one for Dad ..........














































White horse fell in the mud ............
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Old 10-30-2011, 04:39 PM   #4
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WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'



The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '



Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'



As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'



The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'



As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'



The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic fine.'



The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'



The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'



The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'



(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking
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Old 10-30-2011, 04:42 PM   #5
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Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator
turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so
much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids.


I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the
shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the
shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
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Old 10-30-2011, 04:58 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wifey View Post
We need to laugh at times, so post your stupid stuff here
Good Idea , but I am joke illiterate..... Guess I will just have to read and laugh.
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Old 10-30-2011, 05:36 PM   #7
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Good one's Jeffy, LOL

Kepp them coming :rock:
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Old 10-30-2011, 07:29 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wifey View Post
We need to laugh at times, so post your stupid stuff here
I neva seen yo face before.....Bwahahahhhahahhahaahahhahahahahaha
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Old 10-30-2011, 07:44 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheSickness View Post
I neva seen yo face before.....Bwahahahhhahahhahaahahhahahahahaha
Probable a good thing.....
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Old 10-30-2011, 07:46 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheSickness View Post
I neva seen yo face before.....Bwahahahhhahahhahaahahhahahahahaha
It's covered with hair and scabs, ooops I mean Scars from all the discriptions I'm getting
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Old 10-30-2011, 07:48 PM   #11
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It's covered with hair and scabs, ooops I mean Scars from all the discriptions I'm getting
Now a brown bagger .................help I'am being ................Ouch
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Old 10-30-2011, 07:52 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Includemeout View Post
Now a brown bagger .................help I'am being ................Ouch
OK .. Get a baggy and some crazy glue to fix the new OUCH hahahaha
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:02 AM   #13
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A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’. But I accidentally said, "You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:03 AM   #14
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Guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at
him and say's hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place
where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies "I think
you’re the father of one of my kids." Now he thinks back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my
butt?"
She said, "No, I'm your son’s math teacher."
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:08 AM   #15
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A Texas Chili Contest

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...


Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or
other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?

Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold,
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed
out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?
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